Usuario:Vate/Ciudad de México
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Mexico City, (Spanish, La Ciudad de México, Chilangolandia, Guachinton, D.F., El Defe, or La Capirucha as it is known to Mexicans), is the capital of Los Estados Unidos Mexicanos, more commonly known as Mexico to non-Mexican speaking people. It is located in the center of Mexico and often difficult to find due to the wall of thick smog that clouds it. Mexico City is the largest and biggest city in the world according to any Mexican you ask.
This world title has been furiously debated since the beginning of existence. Mexican citizens are one hundred percent sure that their capital- without any shadow of doubtful hesitation- is just about the most sprawling mess of urban, metro-compression of humans ever compacted into a basin some 8,000 feet above the uneven levels of the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.
In simple and average-reader terms, this translates that despite other urban messes such as New York City, Tokyo, Sao Paulo, Seoul, Los Ángeles, or even Braman, Oklahoma- Mexico City should be 2 or 3 times bigger and messier, in terms of popular condensation by the squared mile.
What people has come to agree is that Mexico City is big and there is a lot of people it. And beyond that, people will definitely agree that Mexico City is a God-forsaken sprawling mess of urbaners trapped within the confinements of a politically and socially crippled cesspool.
History
Mexico City wasn’t always your typical urban monstro-city it is today. At some point in time, before the name Mexico City was even coined, what it is today Mexico City used to be a breathable fresh-aired valley surrounded by vegetation, exotic animals, an impressive volcano with a snow cap during winters, and just in the middle of the valley, there was a huge lake just about the same size as the Great Lakes of Michigan. Along came man and saw this marble of nature and fell in love with it. Man, or more plurally correct, men of the Aztec Empire, which ruled the western hemisphere at the time, named this lake after their God of Water, Tenochtitlan. El Niño de Tocha, which means “the child of Tocha”--no one knows what Tocha means-- who was Emperor of the Aztecs at the time thought Lake Tenochtitlan was a waste of land and gave an order that changed the history of the Democratic Republic of the United States of Mexicans, as we known it. The water of Lake Tenochtitlan was pumped out and the dried lake was later filled in with fresh soil. All of the vegetation was burned in a big fire that lasted 6 months. The Aztecs believed anything green was the work of the devil. Ironically, the color green has become the symbol of present-day Mexico and it is associated with anything Mexican. All of the exotic animals were slaughtered since the Aztecs believed animals were inferior creatures with no soul. The Aztec Empire collapsed after the Great Earthquake of 1489. This earthquake measured 8.9 on the Aztec Scale. A new Empire erupted in this now deserted land. The empire came to be known as Partido Revolucionario Institucional, (English, Institutional Revolutionary Party, acronym, PRI) The PRI, would ruled for the next 1000 years. In the years that came, people started moving to this new land in search of a better life. The PRI would promise this new comers that for the price of a small donation called “impuesto”, which means tax, they would be given land, goods, and services to make their lives better.
In 1521, Mexico City was officially declared as a municipality with a population of 2 million, the total population of the country at the time as everyone in United States of Mexicans had move to Mexico City. The city continued to grow as people built more and more people came in. In 1810, when the United States of Mexicans won its independence from Spain, a special place in Mexico City was chosen to build the residence of the president of the nation. This place was named Los Pinos, which means The Pines. Los Pinos is the official resident of the president just like the White House is the official residence of the president in the United State of the North American Continent. Only high-ranking officials, foreign diplomats, and film and television celebrities are welcomed at Los Pinos. Regulars citizens are not welcomed.
Present-Day Mexico City
Today Mexico City is a vibrant Christmas tree when seen at night by airplane. From the ground, Mexico City is full of street children (a social phenomenon created by an unstable educational structure due to a corrupted system of government), homeless beggars (a phenomenon created by the lack of social services due to a corrupted system of government), ambulant workers, (a social phenomenon created by a high unemployment rate due to a corrupted system of government), broad daylight armed robbery and kidnappings (also a social phenomenon created by a lack of law enforcement infrastructure due to a lack of social stability because of lack of resources within a corrupted system of government that takes Mexicans into a journey of endless lackers).
Population
A recent census on the population of the Democratic Republic of the United States of Mexicans, estimated-- and note: this was just an estimate and it’s not be taken as an official factual figure- that the population of the aforementioned nation is somewhere closely but slightly below the population of its northern neighbor and life-long friend the United States of the North American Continent. After executing a very complicated mathematical equation, the Office of Demographic Aspects of the Republic, concluded that Mexico City has somewhere close and perhaps slightly above of 40 point something million inhabitants. An exact prudent number of people living in the capital is unknown due to the unstable population growth rate that the country suffers since its citizens are continuously moving to the USNAC- United States of the North American Continent. This drastic phenomenon is known as the Mexican Movement. Also, due to the fact that in Mexico there is no exact of anything and it is considered politically incorrect to attempt to keep exacts figures of anything. Audits are forbidden all over Mexico.
Government
Under the current system of government of the United States of Mexicans, Mexicans are under the belief that every six years, the “change” is coming. This “change” collides with the election of a new president for the country. The way this works is by making Mexicans believe that even though things are bad right now, worry not, things will get better as soon as they get a new president. This principle starts in Mexico City, the seat of government of the nation. The mayor of Mexico City is known as the Chief of Government, or el Jefe. El Jefe is in charged that the 40 point something million Mexicans are oppressed and therefore incapable of rising up in arms against this oppression that has been followed for the last 75 years. NOTE: Prior to 1931, Mexicans lived under another oppression which was stormed down by the Mexican Revolution to be replaced by the current oppression.
Political Figures & Achievements
One notorious Jefe was Andrés Manuel Lopez Obrador, (English, Andrew Manual Lo Laborer) Lopez Obrador came to power during a time in which Mexico City was being plagued by a pattern of crime, poverty, murder, corruption, debt, and a whole new variety of political, social-economic insecurity that was eating up its residents. Lopez Obrador promised the “chilangos” as Mexico City residents are known, that if he was elected mayor of their city, he would make sure there was bread on their table and he would immediately order the construction of a new high-capacity vehicular mass-transit freeway system similar to the freeway system in Los Angeles. This marble of architectural advancement came to be known as “el Segundo Piso”, which literally means “the second floor” but is more adequately translated as the “multi-lane double deck expressway“. This double deck expressway was ambitioned by Lopez Obrador since the beginning of his mayoral campaign. The whole purpose of this multi-billion pesos project was to relieved the already heavily-congested roadways of the capital.
El Sengudo Piso turned out to be a big success. While no improvements were made to the flow of traffic, everyday commuters now had option of being stuck in traffic in the boring and smog-infested lower level of the expressway, or enjoy of a breathtaking view of the smog-infested city from the second level of the expressway.
Immediately after the completion of the second floor, Lopez Obrador stepped down from office as another government failure and announced that he would now run for president of the nation, which is a common trend among corrupted Mexican politicians.
Law Enforcement
Mexico City follows a strict “Way of the Gun” judicial policy which means that if you want something, you take it from someone else by threatening them with a firearm. Surprisingly enough, the rape rate in Mexico City if very low but the armed robbery and kidnapping rate is at its highest. Mexico City residents and visitors can be robbed and kidnapped at any moment and any given time of the day. Even after hours, weekends, and holidays. It is illegal for law-abiding citizens in Mexico to own a weapon, this being any kind of weapon, including pocket knives and baseball bats, if intended to used as weapons but criminals are not prosecuted for utilizing a weapon in the course of committing an assault upon a law-abiding citizen. Strangely enough, the laws of the United States of Mexicans are similar and almost identical to the laws of the United States of the North American Continent but with the different that people are not legally required to follow them. Police Officers in Mexico City only respond to the calls of high-ranking political figures and film and television celebrities. Despite popular disbelief, the 911 emergency response system does exist in Mexico. This number is exclusively available only to wealthy residents, political figures, and film and television celebrities. Regular citizens can dial 066 and should expect no response.
Crime Prevention
There is no such of thing as crime prevention in Mexico City or anywhere in Mexico, for that matter. There is what it is known as Crime Vention, which means crime will happen.
Transportation
Mexico City counts with one of the most advanced and reliable subway systems in the world, however, its streets and highways are another story. The car population in the capital is less than one million but its ingenious style of highway construction and the lack of traffic direction puts Mexico City right next to Los Angeles in traffic jams of legendary proportions. Urban legend tells that the reason why Mexico City suffers of such horrific traffic jams is because of the millions of 1969-styled Volkswagen Beetles turned taxis, which half of them are pirated versions created by people who refuse to pay the fees for a taxi operation permit. Other legends say it's because of the badly-funded and badly-maintanced roadway system in a bureaucratic and corrupt government system where all available funds go to the pockets of high-ranking officials and their henchmen below them. These theories are debated everyday on the Mexican TV networks.
- El Metro, as the subway is known in Mexico City, can take you anywhere in the capital and its vicinities. El Metro successfully handles more than 20 million users as they go about their everyday business in quest of reaching their everyday goals. (The trip includes a sexy erotic massage in a very confort sauna)
- El Pesero or Microbus, as city buses are known in the city, are top of the line Mercedes Benz buses that for the price of being squished like sardines, riders can be transported to virtually any place in the city. El Pecero means “fish tank” and are nicknamed so because they are loaded with passengers at least 10 times beyond their maximum seating occupancy. Microbus means “microbus” because they are just slightly bigger than the short school buses we’re all familiar with. For the sake of sarcasm, microbuses are loaded with passengers twice as much as the pecero buses. Wallet, boobs, and ass-grabbing is common in this buses as riders must rub. Bus drivers are usually bad-spoken, tooth-missing individuals who will demand an old, helpless lady to give up her seat to an attractive woman.
- And of course, there is always the Taxi. Contradicting enough to everything else, Taxis are known as taxis in Mexico City. Taxis are usually green and white Volkswagen beetles with missing passenger-side seats to allow easy access for passengers to get into the back seat. Taxi drivers are rude, careless drivers. They often smoke, curse, and violate every existing traffic regulation as they go about to take their fare to their destination. Despite this, taxi drivers are for the most honest citizens making an honest living. However, as expected with any big city, taxi drivers themselves will sometimes rob their customers, shoot them in the head and dump their bodies in a flood-control canal in Ecatepec, just northeast in the outskirts of the city. For the annoyed customers, this can always be a distress. And as expected, customers will sometimes rob the taxi driver and proceed with a similar outcome. For this, taxi drivers and customers go heavily armed and display a tag providing the caliber and equipment they carry in case someone wants to be funny. There is also the pirate taxis. These taxis provide the same service to customers as the legit taxis only these taxis are fake. Yes, fake. Like pirate DVDs commonly found in flee markets that people buy for less of the price of an original copy, with titles often released before their theatrical release. Unlike the DVDs, pirate taxis cannot be told apart from the real ones. They look exactly the same and the only way to spot a fake one is by running the fake registration number up in the computer. The sensation of operating a fake taxi started in the early 90’s as taxi drivers were outraged with the fees they must pay to obtain a taxi operation permit.
Mexico City also counts with the world's first double deck freeway system, known as "The Second Floor". The only thing this system lacks is connecting interchange ramps between the freeways. This forces drivers to get out of one freeway and use a surface road to get onto another freeway creating horrible traffic jams in residential neighborhoods.
- El Periférico, as the freeways are known in Mexico City, is a multi-lane freeway system that successfully handles millions of commuters as they go on their journeys to contribute to the already devastating problem of excess pollution in the capital. For this problem, the city government created a system called the “No Circula” to relieve the traffic congestion. No Circula means “No Drive” and its essential purpose is to force every motor vehicle driver to leave their vehicle at home one day a week and carry on their daily obligations by public transportation, carpool in a vehicle which can be driven that day, ride a bicycle, or walk. This system successfully cut down the traffic population in the roadways by 14 percent everyday but created a major problem as this 14 percent of the population who could not operate their vehicle tried to used public transportation and the already poorly run public transportation system could not handle the extra load. This forced many to be late for work, school, church, jury duty, and other appointments creating a devastating clash in the economy, only compensated by the rise of "no circula"-day car sales.
Visitors and people wishing to get out of Mexico City for once, can do so by air.
- The Aeropuerto Internacional de la Ciudad de México, which with no effort and linguistic talent means Mexico City International Airport, is the biggest airport in Mexico and the hub for some major Mexican airlines. From here, travelers can escape the devastating effects of prolonged exposure to vehicle exhaust. Arriving adventurers who dare to enter Mexico City can appreciate the breathtaking views of this immense mess cramped in a basin with hopes without escape, as they descend on final approach. On his first visit to Mexico City, Michael Jackson confused Mexico City with Paris as he glared at the vast and endless city lights as they tucked in the horizon when his jet was preparing for landing and was banking to align itself with the runway. He confused the Latin American Tower with the Eiffel Tower and it wasn’t until the kid he was traveling with, who told him that they were in fact flying over Mexico City, that he stopped moon walking.
Economy
Mexico City has a free market-oriented economy. In this economy, politicians and celebrities control the economy. They joy of a very upscale, lavish lifestyle at the cost of millions of hard working citizens. In this free market-oriented economy, anyone can become a politician or celebrity so as long you are a relative or friend of already politicians and celebrities who have worked a life in the field for many generations before them. If this is not the case, they will arrange your assassination in broad daylight in front of thousands of witnesses since in Mexico it is customary to murder those who stand in your way.
Districts & Neighborhoods
Mexico City's neighborhoods follow trends similar to cities in the United States of the North American Continent. Its neighbors contrast each other to reflect their themes:
- La Zona Rosa, (eng. the Pink Zone), is Mexico City’s center of night entertainment. This vibrant and colorful neighbor is the equivalent of Time Square of New York City or Montmartre of Paris. Here visitors and locals alike will find a whole variety of entertainment including whorehouses, titty bars, hourly motels, prostitutes, and anything to meet your family needs.
- San Ángel, (eng. Saint Angel), is Mexico City’s film and television district. This is the Hollywood of Mexico. Televisa and TV Azteca are the two major film and television studios and rivals of each other due to their administrators’ political affiliations.
- Xochimilco, (eng. Zosheemilko), is the Venice, Italy, of Mexico. Located in the southern region of the capital, this jewel is composed of numerous canals and the only different with Venice from Italy is that here the Mariachi replaces the fiddler on gondola.
- La Condesa, (eng. the Countess), is the Beverly Hills of Mexico City. This upscale, high-class neighborhood is the home to many politicians, celebrities and wannabes while working in the city.
- Tepito, (eng. Thepeetho, a.k.a "El Barrio Bravo de Tepito"), is the L.A. alleys of Mexico City, only bigger. This neighborhood is one big flea market frequented by visitors and locals alike looking to save money on knockoff named-brands, generic prescription drugs, generic hard drugs, and pirated films and music.
- Coyoacán, (eng. Coyote Ugly), is the Hillcrest, Castro, or West Hollywood of Mexico City. This neighborhood is exclusively gay and anyone entering should be conducting strict gay business. It is also well known for its "hippyness".
- Nezahualcoyotl, (eng. Neza-oolkojoth), is the Inglewood, Compton, or South Central of Mexico City. When entering this neighborhood, one should be heavily armed, heavily armored, and carry a shoot-first, ask-questions-later policy.
- El Barrio Chino, (eng. Chinatown), no city would be complete without Chinatown and Mexico City is no exception. This is an Asian-oriented neighborhood where only Mexicans who look Chinese are allowed to go in.
Famous People from Mexico City
- Vicente Fox, born in [[Guanajuato]
- Andrés Manuel Lopez Obrador, born in Tabasco
- Gael Garcia bernal